W’s advice for new fathers

  • Be nice to the baby.
  • Only gentle tickles.
  • Wake up early so Aunt Carol doesn’t know I give the baby candy or ice cream.
  • Don’t let the baby go on a boat until old enough. 4 or 5?
  • Don’t let the baby play basketball until 10 or 11. Unless there’s a lower basketball hoop.
  • No slam dunks until 11 years old.
  • When Aunt Carol is not looking, take Jack in a taxi for ice cream.

W. Age 6.

Update from the front (August 8, 2014)

I’ve started to distinguish between the noisy giants holding me captive. There’s the useful one who feeds me, and there’s the scratchy one who keeps stealing my diapers.

My captivity does not suit me. I’ve successfully mastered freeing myself from the straight jackets they place me in at night in order to prevent my escape. Comfortable with my knowledge, I now only escape to keep up my skills. I can only hope the intermittent nature lures the noisy ones into inattention.

In order to keep my spirits up, I rebel in small ways. I bite the useful one, but only out of frustration – I must work to curb my temper, else I may risk the escape.

The scratchy one, however, I hold in contempt. He seems to have no ability beyond jailer and manual labor, so he must be the subordinate. I pee on him to remind him that I know. I have no time for subordinates.