We had a reasonably disruptive morning, set off a well-timed milk bomb just before their final sleep. Nuked it from orbit. Proud of the timing, but was hoping to have some new tactics by now.

In retaliation, they decided to waterboard me later in the morning. Not cool. However, I stayed strong, and now, strangely, I smell pretty good and my hair looks great. Didn’t see that coming.

No real update on The Art of War. I’ll admit it. I’m struggling to find relevance in the second chapter, which is mostly logistics. I’m more of a gorilla warfare type guy, so maybe I should have started with Mao or Ché. I’m pretty sure Mao didn’t care how often the chariots are reloaded.

There is one gem in this chapter though:

[T]hough we have heard of stupid haste in war, cleverness has never been seen associated with long delays.

A smart contrast to, “haste makes waste,” Sun Tzu articulates something we recognize inherently – when opportunity arises, act. This ties in nicely with something he wrote in the previous chapter about the five constant factors, rules are made to be broken.

[A]vail yourself also of any helpful circumstances over and beyond the ordinary rules.

The great tactician is not the only one to advocate breaking the rules.

Don’t be a member of Clausewitz’s school because a lot has happened since 1832, and don’t be a member of Sun Tzu’s school because an awful lot has happened since 400 BC. If you’re going to regard this stuff [including Boyd’s own] as dogma you’d be better served to take it out and burn it.

—Dogfighter and philosopher USAF Colonel John R. Boyd paraphrased in Boyd’s OODA Loop by Chet Richards.

That’s where the art of this comes in. Caravaggio and Van Gogh had the same set of painting rules as everyone else, but knowing when to break them is what made them great painters. When you substitute painter for leader, they are still models. Both put painting before everything else. Sadly, neither had a happy life, but as painters. Wow.

[Hat tip to my brother-in-arms, Soren, for the pointer to the Boyd paper.]

 The truth of this pithy and profound saying will be admitted by every soldier. – Lionel Giles, first European translator of The Art of War that wasn’t “excessively bad.”

The noisy giants have both the home field advantage and months of advanced preparation. All I have my cunning wit and their exhaustion (the scratchy one was so tired yesterday, he forgot how to floss). They have the advantage in both strength and numbers. But I have deception.

Sun Tzu tells us:

Hold out baits to entice the enemy.

Seductive snuggles.

Pretend to be weak, that he may grow arrogant.

Hold me close.

If his forces are united, separate them.

Milk bomb to temporarily remove one giant from the battlefield.

Attack him where he is unprepared, appear when you are not expected.

Poop! Sit back and enjoy the chaos.

I’ve tested all of the tactics, now I need to string them together for maximum effect. Freedom is close, I can taste it.

[image from: Absolute China Tours]

According to Sun Tzu, the great teacher and tactician, there are five constant factors which govern the art of war. Here is how I am using them in my campaign against the noisy giants.

1. The Moral Law – Constant practice makes perfect and prepared. I work every day ensuring my skills are up to snuff.
2. Heaven – Be aware of, and use, local conditions. Some tactics may work in some weather, and not in others. The straightjackets the noisy giants use, despite foiling my escape, preserve my body heat and keep me well rested – ready to pounce at any minute.
3. Earth – understand distances. I used my “loud sleeping” tactic to force a move to the side of the bed where the scratchy one sleeps. Although he’s the heavier sleeper, when they do get me up, this means they are both awake. Tiring two foes for the price of one diaper.
4. Commander – the virtues of wisdom, sincerity, benevolence, courage, and strictness. Let’s remember, just because I’m held against my will and paraded around like a spoil of war, I’m only destroying them because I never want to have to make that point again.
5. Method and Discipline – I’m slightly inverting the great teacher’s writing. He says that conduct of an army and the infrastructure supporting it can win or lose a battle before it is ever fought. In this case, I’m looking from the noisy giants’ perspective and sabotaging their long term capabilities.

I plan to continue my lessons from Sun Tzu and other great tacticians as long as I am able. It is dangerous enough getting my updates out, I feel it is important that future generations may be able to learn from my hard won lessons.